Monday, December 30, 2013

Sink or Swim

I am learning through this crisis in my life that is my spouse having cancer to internally slow down.  Think each thought,. Feel each feeling.  Be in each moment.  Wonder each wonder.

It is OK to think, feel, and wonder.  But it's also OK to just BE.  And to focus on the necessary dailyness of being.  Things like coffee and lentil soup and what's for dinner? 

I stare at my pretty wedding rings that are mostly not even "wedding" rings (one was from an anniversary and one was from a Christmas and is CZ)  and I wonder how much longer I will "get" to wear them.  Then I remind myself that I can wear them forever if I want to.  Because LOVE lasts forever, even beyond death. 

I am learning to take care of myself....or continuing to learn this.  I am eating nutritious food.  I am not caring as much about weight loss as I am about keeping up my stamina and health...as little of that as I have. 

I am taking my vitamins. 

I am learning that it is impossible to cry while I'm swimming.  But that's pretty much the only time where it's physically impossible to cry (too busy staying alive in the water to cry, and that is what swimming ultimately is:  putting yourself in an unnatural-to-humans environment and moving forward.  A good metaphor for so many things.) 

I value bed time, and simple to so lists. 

I am learning to delegate. 
I have learned how to pay the bills. 

I have learned that I don't need to go to every Oncologist's appointment yet.  I can drop him off and go do other things. 

I am learning that it is important for my soul to give alms and think of others, too. 

I am learning that I can't do everything, and that help is available. 

I am learning about true love, and to treasure each little moment. 

I got a water bottle.  It's good to stay hydrated. 

I like makeup and manicures and sweatpants and comfy robes, psalters and prayer ropes and rosaries and akathists and sugar free chocolate.  There is room for all of that. 

I am learning that if it's between washing a sink full of dirty dishes and the chance to go swim, I'd better go swim... because...survival.

4 comments:

Jules said...

thank you for sharing your heart. prayers and blessings!

Michelle M. said...

Yes, your love for Wes is forever, regardless of what the future holds. We are praying for you all!

Matushka Anna said...

I just want to thank you for sharing yourself so openly. I know it makes you vulnerable. It is an honor to travel this road with you. (((hugs))) and prayers...

Glan Deas said...

A good metaphor for so many things.) It is important for our soul to give alms and think of others, too. I can't do everything, and that help is available.

Regards,
Kopi Luwak