Thursday, September 28, 2006

Bad bad day today

Nothing bad happened, but I'm just stressed about the joblessness. And tired. And hurting (fibro: stress makes it much much worse). I had a nice hard crying jag this afternoon. Then I prayed for a bit. Then I went shopping.

I got groceries. Chocolate sugar free ice cream: necessary. I wonder when I'll be able to go grocery shopping again. Thinking about the widow that the prophet stayed with, whose food did not run dry. Trying to find opportunities for giving. Seeking to obey God in all things. Will God care for me, too? Not like I can "earn it"...whatever. Often I think I must either be being tested like Job, or beneath God's notice. Why is life so often hard, and so often (pardon my french) shitty?

Dh says he'll go and try to get a 2nd shift warehouse or factory job tomorrow, and keep up his job search during the day.

I took dd in for her check up yesterday and then when I dropped her off at school got to witness her being teased in the office, right in front of me. Middle schoolers have no shame. I asked her about the incident later and she told me she just thought the girl who was teasing her was weird. She totally didn't "get" that she was being mocked and laughed at. The good thing about AS is that since her brain is wired differently, the things that bother her are not the things that would bother me. But it broke my heart. Her comment: "Those kids are just weirdo aliens!" OK, deep breath...I did not want to get upset over something she's not upset over. But the very nerve, teasing a kid in front of that kid's mother. Of course if I'd have said something it would have exacerbated the situation. I spoke with parents of another AS kid today and they confirmed everything I was thinking and the choice I made not to say anything to the rude girl.

I, for one, like kids with AS. They are so honest. It's refreshing these days, in a way. There are several in our homeschooling coop, and I had a nice conversation with one kid today about professional lawn-maintenance vehicles. He was wearing a John Deere sweatshirt, and my guess is, that's his current fascination. I helped him make tea. Styrofoam does not go so well in the microwave.

But back to my observations about dd1 yesterday: When I went to pick her up to take her to her checkup, some of the kids in her cluster/class were sitting with her, sharing their lunches and were very friendly to her and one girl even looked me in the eye and said: "Hi B's Mom!" That was so welcoming. Made me glad. For most of the day, these are the kids dd1 is with, so that is good. A blessing.

I can tell I'm sinking into depression. Can't take St. John's Wort because it counteracts some other meds I'm on and the stop gap health insurance we are getting is for emergencies and does not cover pre-exisitings, so I'm screwed if I get a scrip before this weekend, and I'm screwed if I don't. Oh, well. I've done depressed before. I'm being meticulous about my prayers, about exercise and good with my sleep and eating.

I think I'll go fetch a tall glass of water.

I hope whoever reads this blog is feeling better today than I am. Say a prayer for us, and especially that W would get a sufficiently paying job. I hate being chronically ill. We both know that I don't have the stamina to work full time.

God bless.

12 comments:

Carmen said...

I'm praying hard for you, Alana.

The McCallums said...

We'll be praying for you.

Laura said...

We are praying for you, of course.

God bless...

DebD said...

I don't always write, but I do check in. Praying for you.

I don't know if today will be good at my house. Already operating on limited sleep (my cross). Have co-op this morning and I just don't have the heart to do anymore. Muddling along with that. The kids like it though, but I'd rather stay home, especially today.

Oldest son is sick with what I suspect is pnemonia. Gotta take him to the drs today. I just wish my family would get healthy. We haven't had a healthy week since late Aug.

Extended family problems are rearing their ugly heads. I'm not wanting to deal with that either. Wishing my parents acted like normal people (sigh). Need to go to confession.

Theodora said...

Like debd, I don't always write but I check on you every day.

Tabitha said...

I'm checking in too. Hugs and prayers. BTW, can you take B vitamins? I'm told they are real good for stress. If you can but don't have any, let me know and I'll see what I've got here. Sometimes I think I could open a pharmacy!

The Traditional Frog said...

Alana,

First, My prayers are with you and your husband.

Second, As a person with AS I can certainly understand your frustration at seeing your daughter teased. That other girl certainly had a lot of gall to tease your daughter in front of you. Unfortunately these days many children just don't care.

When I was younger many things (teasing,etc.) used to go completely over my head. Some of these things however did not, although given my kindly nature toward others I down played them when an adult would ask 'Was so and so making fun of you?' wanting to intervene.

It wasn't until after I graduated high school (in 1994) that I began to become aware that I was really 'different' and a few years later was diagnosed with AS. My life makes a lot more sense to me now.

I am glad your daughter's classmates (at least at this point)are treating her well. I pray that her school year goes well ans she is treated kindly.

As for your depression, well I've been there and done that. I also have dealt with anxiety/panic attacks as well. No fun!

Once again, may God bless you and yours! May St. Xenia of St. Petersburg assist your husband at finding worthy employment.

Lauren S. said...

I didn't know you had a dd with AS. One of my dearest friend's son is in the process of being diagnosed with it. She is having a hell of a time. He's only 5 and is starting kindergarten and it's been an adjustment. I just love him. He is a great kid - so honest! I find that refreshing too. Once he's comfortable, he's so sweet too. I'll have to show her your blog. Praying for you.

Xenia Kathryn said...

Alana,
You will be in my thoughts and prayers today. Reading of you hardships makes me wish we lived in the same community, I wish I could relieve your burdens somehow (even if it just meant hopping on over and eating some chocolate with you :D). But alas, in my prayers you and your family will remain.

Through the prayers of St. Xenia....

Mimi said...

Intensive prayers.

Arielle said...

I'm not so quick on the uptake...or maybe I just haven't been reading long enough...what's AS?

You certainly have my prayers. And I'll ask for St. Xenia's too.

alana said...

AS is Asperger's Syndrome. Look it up on wikipedia for a comprehensive definition. It's an autistic spectrum disorder.