I did too much...

and still more to do! Aaaaaaggggghhhhh!

Turkey pick up from our farmer early this morning. Had to stand in line at the Farmer's market. Meant I was slightly late for Church.

Rush home, get girls, put Turkey in freezer, off the Church.

After Church, give friend ride and she wants dunkin' donuts. mmmmm. Good idea. So we get some dunkin'. Home again. Eat said donuts.

Then it's time to make a to-do list, have discussion about holiday cooking with mother on phone, make more lists, etc.

Run off to store to get some supplies. Brave dreaded mall traffic to get a bottle of ear lobe cleanser at Claire's. Meh.

Know you are tired but it's time to dig really really deep and do stuff anyways: Time to start cooking for the holidays: I have to bring GAPS stuff so my daughter can eat while we are with relatives. Knowing the menu in advance, I'm cooking GAPS versions of the things that my mom and SIL will be making: GAPS chicken curry into crock pot. GAPS meat loaf made and into oven. Bake two pumpkins. Make a meal for a sick person. Puree pulp. Make GAPS pie crust and turn pumpkin into GAPS pie filling. Bake a pie. Make regular pie crust dough. Oh, no! Out of time. Have to run an errand to sick person's house. Set aside pie crust dough for tomorrow and put pie filling into refrigerator.

Run errand . Return just in time to whisk kids into car for Vespers. Give hypoglycemic kid who has spent entire day on nothing but donuts and the computer two pieces of cheese.

After Vespers...so very tired. Been cooking all day. Have very messy kitchen and no energy. Chinese takeout! Go to nearest Chinese place and learn they are cash only. Drive to another Chinese place and order shrimp Lo-mein. Pay too much money for too much food. (Leftovers!)

Drive home. Eat. Blog.

Now I just need to:

Finish restorative glass of wine.
Convince someone to empty dishwasher (being done as I type this).
Load dishwasher.
Put GAPS Meatloaf in freezer.
Put GAPS pie in freezer.
Remove GAPS chicken curry from crock pot and divide into conatiners and put that int he freezer.
Put laundry from washer into dryer. No wait! Tell other teenager to do that.

Tuck kids into bed.

Collapse into heap.

Yeah. I did too much.

My Grandpa during WW2

Second from the right, in the back, standing in the shadow. Serving our country in the Navy.

Offer it Up

I'm having a really really hard time focusing on the need-to-do details of my life right now. Like I'm all ADDish or something. Constantly feeling overwhelmed, like there's a phone call I'm forgetting to make or a list I ought to be writing or a chore I ought to be doing (well, we all know that is true) but I'm all a-muddle and get pull myself together enough to figure it out.

It is difficult to go through life feeling like this and not feel like an utter failure.

Next week is Thanksgiving and we are packing and joining family at a cabin in the mountains, which means we have to coordinate and import all our food, some kitchen gear, etc. Along with clothes etc. And I need to think about that, and make that happen. Along with a goodly pile of other things. Schooling the kids? Perhaps they can do that themselves, eh? Mostly they do.

And I've had a caffeine withdrawal headache for two days because I'm going off caffeine once again. How do I keep getting addicted to that stuff? Over and over again like a stupid.

I wish I could just run away to the forrest and not deal with anything but sitting on a stump and praying and tinkering with a fire for a few days. That would be nice. But alas, life calls, and I'm at a point where life itself feels like a mortification. I think that feeling just comes from the headache. As my Roman Catholic friends say: "Offer it up!" So I do that.

Offering up the pile of towels and rags that need to get folded, the bed that needs to get made, the laundry that needs doing, the boring brown dresses, my obesity and fibro, my sick daughter, asperger's syndrome, the fact that I never have enough time to do everything and I always feel like I'm running around (albeit doing necessary errands) when I ought to be at home...all of it. Offering it up.

Lately during Litugy at the part where we are called to lift up our hearts, and we respond: "We lift them up unto the Lord!" I can hardly sing for the lump in my throat. All I can imagine is a broken (ground meat more like), bleeding mess of a heart that I'm offering up to God. Offer it up.

All of it, even the lack of focus. Offer it up. I lift it up unto the Lord.

Putting my Clothes Back

Since next week is going to be busy, and Monday is my last day of offcial brown dress simplicity I decided to get my clothes out again.

But I sorted as I went. A whole entire bag's worth of stuff I just don't want. Probabaly even more than that that I don't NEED, now that I know how little I really do need.

But to be quite honest, this little experiment as been good for me in that it's stripped away some layers of stuff and shown me some inside-of-me isssues that I need to address.

I also learned that no, I really don't want to be this plain all the time. And perhaps I don't really want to full time uniform. Just a mostly uniform. A classy smaller wardrobe that is less of a hodge pode and more coordinated, for sure. Putting my things back made me realize that I do own some good pieces of clothing.

And I learned that there needs to be a difference between every day wear and Sunday Best. That's perhaps my biggest lesson. Before, I would wear nice skirts every day. That was a bit much. Now I'm thinking those brown dresses are an excellent foundation to my every day clothes. Save the nicer skirts for Sundays.

And so it goes.

And Jesus still said not to worry so much about clothes, that our Heavenly Father clothes us in splendor.

Breaking my Own Rules

Well, I'm gonna have to break the rules of the brown dress experiment. Eeeeek. Here's what's happening: I signed up to try out Curves for a few sessions, for free, and this afternoon they want me to come in for a tour and fitness assessment (har har har! Fitness? more like how UNfit am I?). And they want me wearing workout clothes. Brown dress not included.

So, it's sweatpants, long sleeved t-shirt and sneakers for me at 3 pm.

And...

tomorrow I'm going to see my allergist for my nut allergy testing. They are going to want my back exposed. If I wear my brown dress, the entirety of my back side will have to be exposed. If I wear a skirt and top, I can probably just remove my shirt. Skirt and top wins due to modesty issues. Even in a hospital gown.

So...Just for the sake of being up front, I thought I'd share.

I AM going to be glad when this is over.

New Hair Cut

and color. I'm like a fat, brunette Meg Ryan now. he he he.

One Week Left

I've only got one week left on my brown dress experiment. I need to sit down with myself and ferret out all the goodies I've learned about myself during this process. There has been some self discovery, or at least some clarity. Folks, I have me some ISSUES. Ha! like you all didn't already know that.

Will I be glad when it's over? Yes. Will I still wear my brown dresses often? Oh, yes! Will I go through my wardrobe ruthlessly and cull? Definitely.

Mostly, I'll be very glad to wear something dressier to Church again. I feel dressed down and too comfy there. Like I'm wearing sweat pants to Church. That's how cozy the brown dresses are. I understand the concept of "Sunday best" now, like never before.

I'll blog more about it later.

Photos Online of St. Michael's 75th Anniversary LIturgy

Here is the link I'm still not used to the size and grandeur of this place. But oh, when the whole congregation is thundering out the Nicene Creed, it gives me chills of joy.

Of course this was a hierarchichal liturgy, with our beloved Bishop Mark.

Many of the pictures are of an ordination to the diaconate of one of our own.

Update: I did not take these pictures. I just found the link and posted the link on my blog.

Nativity Fast Angst

It is upon us once again...the fasting season. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on your point of view) I've made lots of really really healthy changes in our diet since last Lent, and now I'm caught flat footed, not knowing what to do or what to feed the kids this Advent season.

So, for this week, I bought all the old usual stuff. Weston A. Price is probably spinning in his grave right about now. I can't help it. I have to get meals on the table and food into some very very picky bellies and it take BABY STEPS at this house! BABY STEPS!

So, what's an Orthodox Christian to eat if soy anything is totally off the table? No margarine, friends. No tofutti, no boca burgurs, no TVP or Tofu or any of that stuff.

I hate to say it, but I did buy corn chips and lots and lots of things like canned beans, salsa and corn, chiles, etc.

I know, I should be doing my own beans, from scratch. Maybe in a week or so I'llo ramp up to that. Meanwhile we compromise.

And lots of Alaskan canned salmon. Mmmm, Alaska. If I can't go there, I can at least eat some fish from there.

I also decided to try the Barilla high protein pasta. Hopefully that won't get rejected by the ueber-picky crowd.

And I bought fish sticks. Hangs head in shame. Yes, I'm human.

And so it goes. Instead of blogging about all the horrid things I did get, I should be writing about all the even worse things I did not get, like crackers, grahams, sugary canned fruit and oreos or ramen noodles. Yes, those are "lenten". Ha!

Am I the only one, or do others feel like any sort of health and nutrition goes out the window during fasting periods? Or is it just becuase I'm somewhat carbohydrate intolerant and the mere reading of the upcoming menu makes me sick to my stomach?

And on top of all that, Bethany's on the GAPS diet. Fuuuun cooking MPD for a few weeks. This is my cross. I take it up. I will follow.

jokerman - BOB DYLAN

one of my fave songs evah!

Time to do a gratitude post

Grateful that M emptied the dishwasher this morning, without me asking her to.

Grateful for the back rub Wes gave me.

Grateful for coffee.

Grateful for piano lessons my son is getting and how much he enjoys practicing.

Grateful that it's Thursday. For some reason I like Thursdays.

Grateful there are no appointments today.

Grateful that my kids are home schooled and we can take it easy in the morning.

Grateful that its Thanksgiving soon and I'll get to see my family.

Grateful for the drop in temperature back into November chill as opposed to indian summer weather.

Grateful for this very comfy chair I"m sitting on.

Grateful for friends, near and far.

Grateful that Wes is packing his own lunch today.

Off Balance

I'm feeling stressed this morning and I can't quite figure out why.

Other than the fact that my back is hurting. A Lot. Put ice on it last night, and went to the chiropractor yesterday evening. I may just have to break out the TENS unit, but how will I wear that without a waistband to clip it to if I'm wearing my brown dress?

Ever have one of those days when you just can't get your head around much of anything? My week's been like that. A muddle.

Perhaps I'm stressed out about the upcoming Nativity Fast. I have not taken the time yet to figure out a menu plan. Quite frankly, I'm scared of it. I need to eat more vegetables and less bread this time around. Yeah. Famous last words.

I've pretty much given up on ever in my life "getting healthy" or "losing weight". All my efforts in that arena are too short lived and too much in vain. You know, if I'm going to be hungry every day for hours on end I need to see some motivating results. Whether it's a character flaw or not, I don't know, but I just don't have the gumptitude to be hungry for hours on end every day and NOT be losing weight. It will be interesting to see what my endocrinologist says. He says I have all the symptoms of low thyroid, and now we are waiting on some blood work. Sigh. As crazy as it sounds, I really really hope something shows up there because as it is, I"m living with ALL the symptoms of having an ill-functioning thyroid, and the way I figure it, if I have all the symptoms, I may as well have the problem and get some meds for it.

And with exercise, it's the ever present issue: I try for a while, and then I hit the ol' fibromyalgia wall where I barely have energy to get through the day, and I'm in pain of some sort, and before I know it it's two weeks later and just as unfit as ever.

And despite my best intentions, I have not been to Matins more than once this week. I've been staying up too late in the evenings. It's a vicious cycle and I can't seem to break it. When the alarm goes off, all I can think of is how long the fatigued afternoon will stretch before me if I get up, and then I turn it off and go back to sleep for an hour (or two).

All the kids have been dealing with colds this week, so no one is in the mood to do math or english...at least not with a good attitude.

OK, so I've shared all my little personal stresses with the entire internet. I feel a bit better.